BREAKING: Putin, Xi, Maduro and Castro arrive in Quebec to negotiate a transitional government and protect the breakaway province from reprisal by “English-speaking cultural hegemony.” Putin accuses Obama of ‘interfering’ as riots grip Toronto and Montreal, aided by covert Russian and Chinese training and funding. Lavrov is caught on tape vowing to “Fuck those Limey bastards.” Saintly Obama does nothing, saying ‘it’s none of our damn business. We’re all about freedom, above the border as well as below.”
The situation is quickly spinning out of control as what Putin describes as ‘peaceful protesters’ arm themselves with Molotov cocktails, sniper rifles, and arms looted from police barracks. As many as 87 law enforcement have been killed, some beaten to death in broad daylight by angry mobs. The Canadian President’s attempt to restore order was met with swift and harsh condemnation by China, Russia and members of the Shanghai Cooperation Council, which imposed immediate sanctions on Canada as well as travel restrictions on key members of the freely elected government. Putin, asked about the obvious contradiction between his comments praising the gangs’ taking law into their own hands and professions to ‘democracy’ and ‘free speech,’ was unmoved. In response to repeated questions on how he could maintain such a position when his own ministers had been recorded planning the coup, he lashed out at reporters, Obama, and the weather:
“Fuck you. We’re the biggest dog on the block, and we don’t have to give a shit what anyone thinks. We’ve toppled governments in like 50-60 countries in the last 50 years–you think some whiny bullshit is going to stop us? Don’t get it twisted–we do whatever we want, and make up the lies to justify it as we go along. Then we plant stories in a corrupt and compliant press so your idiot citizens will play along. Besides… Democracy! Freedom! Славься, страна!* Etc.”
While the entire world community, with the exception of Albania and Andorra are aghast at Putin’s outburst, Obama remained strangely sanguine. “Makes sense to me. These are clearly just innocent victims of an evil elected government out to get them. I don’t see any reason why I should be alarmed at armed gangs shooting cops and burning down state property–even when they are funded by our enemies in a country sharing the longest international border in the world. We’ll just wait and see what happens. But what the hell do I know? I’m a complete fucking sock puppet–the biggest stooge of a president since Truman, and twice as dangerous. Either that or I’m evil incarnate. I haven’t quite made up my mind yet.”
Just kidding. Obama actually gave the immediate order to invade Canada, essentially flattening Montreal, Toronto, Quebec, and for some reason, Calgary, saying he was “hoping to catch those red bastards with their pants down.” DEFCON 5 put Beijing, Moscow, Havana and Caracas in the nuclear crosshairs as subs were positioned for a first strike against all cities. “We can’t allow this kind of meddling on our borders,” the president erupted at an unusually tense press conference. “I mean, can you imagine if we went and started wars in, say, Georgia and Ukraine? The Russians would go nuts, and my balls would be on the block before you could say boo. And they’d be completely within their rights.”
*Славься, страна! (Glory to the country) – a fragment of the Russian anthem.
Daniel Patrick Welch is the American writer, singer, linguist and activist living and writing in Salem, Massachusetts with his wife, Julia Nambalirwa-Lugudde. Together they run The Greenhouse School.