The 12 New Crimes of New Ukraine

Citizens of Ukraine, read these to avoid committing ‘new crime’, or ‘thought crime’.

1. Separatism.

The ultimate crime in New Ukraine. Request a referendum for your city? You are an enemy of the State and may be immediately removed to a state facility for re-education.

2. Russian television

Watching Russian television is highly ungood, so the State has removed it from televisions for your protection.

3. Provocation

If you express an opinion different to the Party, it is ‘provocation’. Senior Party members may visit you for purposes of re-education.

4. The ‘Heavenly 100′

The ‘Heavenly 100′ were not deeply misguided, heavily armed young men. They are heroes. Repeat. The Heavenly 100 are heroes. Repeat until Leader Yatsenyuk calls you to the television for scheduled exercise.

5. Vodka / cigarettes

Drinking vodka, smoking cigarettes is ungood and will be punished with high taxes. The citizens of the State need to exercise, to be fit of body and mind to serve the Party.

6. Crimea

Crimea is a part of Ukraine. If you say otherwise, or think otherwise, the State may remove you to a thought-correction facility at once. Everyone who voted for Russia in the Crimea referendum was forced to do so at gunpoint.

7. Rape

Rape is not a male crime. It is the fault of a woman if she is in ‘controversial company‘.

Oleksandr Sych, 49, deputy prime minister of the interim Ukrainain administration and Svoboda Party member from Ivano-Frankivsk: "Women should lead the kind of lifestyle to avoid the risk of rape, including one from drinking alcohol and being in controversial company.” — Oleksandr Sych, 49, deputy prime minister of the interim Ukrainain administration and Svoboda Party member from Ivano-Frankivsk: “Women should lead the kind of lifestyle to avoid the risk of rape, including one from drinking alcohol and being in controversial company.”

8. Russian language

Citizens who speak the Russian language are degenerates who should be sent to jail.

Irina Farion, one of the ideological pillars of Svoboda Party: “We have 14% of Ukrainians, who indicated that their native language - Russian, ie the language of the occupier. It shows a terrible mutation of consciousness. This is a 5 million Ukrainians, degenerates.” — Irina Farion, one of the ideological pillars of Svoboda Party: “We have 14% of Ukrainians, who indicated that their native language – Russian, ie the language of the occupier. It shows a terrible mutation of consciousness. These 5 million of Ukrainians are degenerates.”

9. Parliamentary Elections

It is doubleplus-ungood to ask when Leader Yatsenyuk will hold parliamentary elections.

10. Joining the EU

Joining the EU is doubleplus-good. If this means gas bills doubling, inflation soaring and the economy collapsing then these things are also doubleplus-good.

11. Svoboda / Pravy Sektor

Citizens may not suggest these parties are either fascist or terrorist. If they do so, they will be taken by said parties for ‘re-education’.

12. Informing

If you hear of any citizens unadhering to the above, you must inform the Ukraine State Correction Department immediately. If you suspect any citizens of thinking these crimes, do the same. Not informing is a crime.

Please now return to your scheduled exercise and enjoy the New Ukraine. (Not to do so is 13.)

Graham Phillips is the British freelance journalist currently residing in Kiev (Ukraine).

Source: Brit in Ukraine

2 Comments

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